Chickens in the News

This developed out of a bit of a joke about completely stupid and pointless news headlines on IRC, and got a bit carried away.  I can't take all the credit; while the best ones are mine, I have to credit Irunongames and AlexandrDmitri for some of these.

• Chicken crosses the road
• Chicken hit and run on route 66
• National day of mourning for hit and run chicken
• Experts say chicken wanted "to get to the other side"
• Chicken murderer tried for genocide, commentators say UN "overreacted"
• Sarkozy faces crisis over chicken incident; trade unions say roads are not safe
• Poultry & Game Union calls strike over recent death of colleague
• French Army to lay down arms after chicken strike
• David Cameron starts talks with the Chicken Protection Party to form a new government; divorces Nick Clegg
• Chickengate: Obama makes a statement
• "Chickengate" scandal escalates as David Cameron is caught on microphone calling chickens "bigoted", forced to resign
• Chickens revolt on farms: stop laying eggs
• Poultry & Game Union leader calls pay "chicken feed", campaigns for higher wages for union members
• Fox News reveals dead chicken had affair with Tiger Woods
• Chicken protesters hurl eggs at abortion clinics
• Fox News says Chickengate "was Obama's fault", points out that no chickens died under Bush government
• Sun newspaper devotes page three to chicken breasts
• KFC burned down by colleagues of the dead chicken
• Somalian pirates capture ship, demand 1,000 chickens in ransom
• Chickens capture Somalian pirates, demand 1,000 bags of grain in ransom
• YouTube blocked in Pakistan for showing videos of chicken being run over
• The Sun: Hero chicken is still alive!
• Study shows The Sun sucks
• The Sun: Chicken was involved in non-noteworthy sex scandal 5 years ago
• Express Newspaper: Chicken may be Diana
• Daily Mail: All chickens are immigrants
• Daily Mail: Labour MPs claimed expenses for attending chicken funeral
• George Bush kills all chickens; possible genocide
• Rational people say Chickengate "blown out of proportion"
• Breaking news: chicken was al-Qaeda suicide bomber
• Experts claim chicken was "too chicken" to be suicide bomber
• People Magazine's top 10 chickens of the 20th century
• Bush calls for invasion of "Chickenland", but fails to find it on the map
• Bush used chickens in extreme interrogation techniques
• Poll finds people have stopped caring about chickens

A Year in Haiku

I decided to broaden my cultural horizons by writing a series of haikus.  This is my first attempt at this form—in fact, it's my first attempt at serious poetry—so please don't be too harsh.

Naked winter trees—

dead, bare, clothed in ice and snow—

where animals rest,

are clothed in springtime.

The young buds burst into bloom;

eyes open to sun.

The sun brings summer;

its vibrant rays herald warmth,

its fires ablaze.

The ghost of the flames

decays, is lost to autumn.

The cycle repeats.

Comet Sonnet

I am writing this quite pointless sonnet
about a big lump of ice in the sky.
That big lump of ice is called a comet,
“How on Earth,” you may ask, “does that thing fly?”
The answer, my friend, may seem rather strange,
but hang on a moment, and I'll explain.
The reason is gravity, “You're deranged!
That makes things fall!” you interject again.
It is all about its orbit, you see.
“Like how the Earth orbits the Sun?” you ask.
Yes, of course, that is quite correct, says me.
I'd explain but I must now end this task,
     because, as you can see, I'm out of time;
     this is, I regret, my very last line.

A Collection of Short Poems

A Couplet About a Cook

I have a friend who is a good cook.

When he hurts himself he says, “Oh, darn!”

A Quick Limerick

There once was a boy from Limerick,

Who felt just a little bit sick,

'cause he ate an orange.

I've rhymed myself into a bit of a corner here...

I feel like a bit of a... wally.

My Rabbit's Habit

I have a little rabbit.

He is a lot of fun.

My rabbit has a habit

of dressing like a nun.

A Lament for Bob

Bob got sliced

      and diced

           and chopped

and his life was quickly stopped.

I don't know what thing him enticed

      to chase after a group of mice.

But that he did, the silly fool,

      thinking it would make him cool.

He ran under a gleaming axe;

      not just one, but stacks of packs!

He hit a shelf, and down they came,

      like a storm of hard, sharp, rain.

He didn't mean to, you have to see,

      he did it inadvertently.

It was a daft and dangerous act,

      but it occurred, and that's a fact.

Perhaps it's because he was so fat,

      from eating enough to feed a cat.

He'd eat enough in every day

      to feed said cat for all of May!

This wasn't how I thought he'd die,

      chopped to pieces like a pie.

I thought heart disease would get him first,

      or that his stomach perhaps would burst.

His grave took me a while to dig,

      because, you see, it was so big.

Six feet long by twelve feet wide;

      enough to fit a man and bride.

I'm struggling now to find a rhyme,

      and I'm running out of time,

And so I'll end how I began

      to tell you of this foolish man:

Bob got sliced

      and diced

and chopped

     in B&Q, the DIY shop!

YouTube

YouTube commenters are so insightful,
The things they say are just delightful!

Every comment begins with OMG,
and I feel that they relate to me.

Because I, too, think HE IS SOOOO COOL!!!!!!
How I wish YouTube weren't blocked at school...

YouTube must hold the record, I think,
for the most dots in an ellipsis or wink........................ ;;;;;;;;;;))))))))

Another thing that's pretty nimble
is the clever use of symbols. :) _,.-*'*-.,_ ̼⌂̺͛ᴖ̲̿ᴥ̲̿ᴖ̺͛⌂̼

YouTube seems to be the place
for people who can't tie a shoelace.

I will offer a thousand yen
if you can show me where and when

a single video on the site
has every comment spelt just right.

(That's £7, by the way =P)